Birthday Cards

I have two friends with upcoming birthdays, and because I can't just walk out to my parents' garage and grab one of my mom's handcrafted greeting cards, I had to settle for the selection at Target. I went there after work today thinking, "Okay, I'm gonna go in, walk in, walk out, and come home."

One hour and 15 minutes later, I paid way too much money on cards that I half-heartedly liked and walked to my car in frustration. Why can't greeting card companies make decent greeting cards? Even if every card company produced only 10 solid designs, we'd have a good selection -- 10 is a small number, but 10 good cards are better than a hundred crap cards.

I don't understand how or why greeting cards are so stupid, anyway. If you're in the business of producing greeting cards, have some dignity! Take pride in your work. Don't produce cards like this:

Front: [Picture of two farmers and a cow] Have fun until the cows come home.
Inside: Hope your birthday is udderly fantastic!

Or this:

Front: Like fat thighs . . .
Inside: Friends stick together.

I can't remember most of the cards offhand. What I do remember is that most cards include one of the following messages:

1. Hey, you're over the hill, but we won't draw attention to just how over it you are -- wink, wink.
   
2. Party hard, get drunk, do crazy things, and then wake up the next morning with a hangover.
3. You go, girl! Let's go celebrate by drinking martinis!
4. [Ocean photo overlayed with gold writing and flourishes] In the sands of time, our friendship has lasted. As the sea rises to meet the sky, I think of you and your beauty. I hope that you have the loveliest birthday because you are the loveliest person . . .
   

The other card variety is the one without words. These cards only have pictures on the front. The most common images are those in which animals are personified. That's right -- kittens with giant sunglasses and dogs with smiles painted on with Photoshop.

If aliens came to our planet and judged us by greeting cards alone, they would think we were a race composed solely of old people, frat boys, neo-feminists and party girls, delicate and sensitive philosophers, and cat people.


Thing I'm thankful for: exercise.