Just Me.

Today I found myself wishing I was someone else. I saw a tall, thin brunette with a pretty smile and an oh-so-slight hipster style, and I wished I looked like her. Later I saw an artsy/hippie girl with cute white-and-tan saddle shoes, and I wished I had her style. By the end of the day, I probably will have seen another girl or two who is taller, thinner, smarter, or more interesting than me, and I'll think, "What would life be like, if I was her?"

And yet. While I listened to the lecture today in my human-computer interaction class, I noticed a guy looking at me several times. He is French and tan and has icy blue eyes. Initially, I couldn't believe it. I thought there was no way he was looking at me because it's me. Just me. Who would stare at me, especially during a lecture on persuasive technologies and ubiquitous computing? But he was staring at me, and I caught him twice. As he left class, he politely said good-bye.

I like myself well enough. I am friendly and smart and thoughtful and kind. I make people laugh and feel good about themselves. I notice the details no one else does. (That's why I can impersonate people so well.) I try to communicate with international students who don't speak English clearly, and I pay attention to people who are overlooked. I say what I think, and I mean what I say. I have opinions, which I readily share, but I am willing to be persuaded by good arguments. I am curious about everything, especially people and what they know and what they think. I bake incredible cookies and give them to people, just to make them happy. I draw and paint and write analytical prose. I read. I'm a good mix of science and art. (Or is science art and vice versa? I feel another blog post coming on . . .) I know how to pay attention to children and make them feel important. Most of the time, I'm a follower, but I also know when to lead. I am a good friend, a good daughter, and the best aunt.

Why, then, do I envy others so often? Why do I think of myself as "just me?" I have a feeling it has to do with being single. That's why marriage is so good for people -- because all it takes is one person. Just one person to know you and love you and make you feel special about all the wonderful things you have to contribute to the world.

Heavenly Father knows I've been struggling with this lately. Maybe that's why the French guy was so attentive today. We're going on our fifth week of classes this semester, and he never looked my way before. Who knows? Maybe it's a tender mercy. A providential silver lining to an otherwise frustrating week.


Thing I'm thankful for: sunshine and warm breezes