Thursday, November 19, 2009

What I Want In a Husband

When I was about 13- or 14-years-old, I made a list of the things I wanted in my future husband. I found the list tonight, while I was desperately searching for something else. Although I never found what I was looking for, I feel a little better knowing that I came across that list of what my 13-year-old self wanted in a husband. Here it is:
  1. Have my standards/church member
  2. Intelligent
  3. Kind
  4. Funny
  5. Listens to/respects the music I listen to
  6. Good listener
  7. Attractive
  8. Sensitive/understanding
  9. Would be a good dad
  10. Shares my interests of things
  11. Respects my family/friends
  12. Can cook!
  13. Wants to be with me
I suppose that was a good list back then, but what I find extremely striking -- besides the exclamation point in #12 -- is how general it was. I mean, who doesn't want someone who is understanding, kind, funny, and attractive? But it's an immature wish list. I didn't know that it's the little details that make a person incredible -- that makes him complement me in a way that probably only a handful of people could. Sure, I want all of those general things now, but here are the specific things that make up my 28-year-old husband-to-be list. I want him to
  1. Be curious. I want someone who loves to learn, who asks questions, who wonders. "Why" is the most used question word in my vocabulary, and I want it to be his, too.
  2. Be a conversationalist. Conversations with the person I marry should be consistently good and progressively better. Sure, sometimes we'd goof off, but if there's not much to talk about after a while, then I think it's a sure sign that something is wrong. "Good" conversation is talking about everything under the sun. It's inevitable that my husband and I will age, so I'd like to at least have something to talk about when we're old and gray and sitting in wheelchairs. Also, he should be able to talk with anyone -- strangers, even.
  3. Be friendly. I want a man who says hi to strangers, who meets new people at church or work. He should be able to carry on a decent conversation with them for at least a few minutes.
  4. Read. He doesn't have to read the same books as me, but he should at least read a lengthy article or two per week and a few books per year.
  5. Have a little bit of bite! Of course I want someone who is righteous and obedient to Heavenly Father, but I don't think those two characteristics exclude a little bit of sass! A little bit of opinion! A little bit of appropriate irreverence! I want to get into harmless (and maybe flirtatious) debates sometimes!
  6. Constantly try to improve. On something. I don't know if it's inherent or societal for men to be averse to self-reflection and personal improvement, but I do think they generally are those two things. Guys are almost always confident, and that's fine. That's great! But I'd like my guy to recognize that he has faults that he actually needs to work on. None of this "Well, nobody's perfect. There's always room for improvement." That's a good start perhaps, but what is he actively working on to improve his character, talents, or understanding?
  7. Eat sugar.
    Because I like to bake desserts and other foods rich in carbohydrates.
  8. Be musical. He should sing or play some musical instrument. I know that's hypocritical, since I don't play an instrument anymore, but I am slowly learning to play the piano. And I sing in choirs sometimes. I enjoy listening to people play music they've written, and I want my children to be musical, too.
  9. Appreciate art. He should have a favorite style of art or at least know the name of a few paintings and artists he likes. He should appreciate the difference art makes in a home.
  10. Play sports.
    I'm totally uncoordinated, and my parents didn't teach me how to play team sports when I was young. As a result, I know that it's crucial for kids to be involved in sports. I certainly can't teach them, so my husband needs to.
  11. Be clean! I think my indicator for "clean enough" is in the way he cleans dirty dishes. Does he quickly wipe a plate, for example, and leave tiny bits of food on it? Or does he make sure he gets it nice and soapy and spotless and know that the dishwasher is only a sterilizer? Does he clean the outside of a bowl as well as the inside? All I want is to know my family is eating off clean dishes.
  12. Respect Mother Nature. No littering! Period.
  13. Consider adoption. Even if I can have kids of my own, I might want to adopt. I feel very strongly about it. (See Milk and Adoption.)
  14. Believe in unstructured play time for children. What? See 21st-Century Education and Parental Expectations. (Okay, okay. Maybe he hasn't thought about that yet, but he should at least put some thought into parenting and have some ideas of how he wants it to play out.)
  15. Be a goof-off. At least sometimes. I take myself waaay to seriously (See #11.), and I need someone to remind me to be silly.
  16. Realize winter clothes are more expensive than summer clothes. Because I like sweaters!
  17. Be okay with my impersonations. I like to quote movies. I like to speak in accents. My future husband needs to be okay with the fact that I will break into character with no warning.
  18. Have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. This should be near the top, but it's not an exactly prioritized list. You may ask, "How do you measure something like a testimony?" Here's how (for me, at least):
    • He attends the temple.
    • He participates in service projects.
    • He bears his testimony, in church or to friends.
Okay. I think that's it.
I don't think my expectations are too high, do you?
And now that I'm re-reading it, it still isn't very specific. I don't know if that's good or bad . . .

Thing I'm thankful for: my sister's future husband.


Blogger Sara said...

Hey, the better you know yourself, the better off you'll be.

If you don't know what you want, then you're hosed.

I'm not worried about you, Sara Snow.

But I shall pray he finds you sooner rather than later nonetheless. :)

6:10 PM  
Blogger Saule Cogneur said...

Note that this time you put the "!" on number 5. It's like shooting fish in a barrel...I will refrain because I'm feeling nice.

How about "Have only an XY chromosome set?" Remember in this day and age, gender is not so obvious, but something tells me you are rather traditional.

11:37 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

Probably not helpful, but this is the first thing I thought of:

"Oh! certainly," cried his faithful assistant, "no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half-deserved."

"All this she must possess," added Darcy, "and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading."

"I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women," observed Elizabeth, "I rather wonder now at your knowing any."

2:12 PM  
Blogger Pumba said...

I love your list! It seems true to who you are. Congrats on being honest with yourself. I will say this, I don't think you need to be too worried about not being specific. Having a general list, in my opinion, is better because it allows you to have boundaries but still allow men around you to be themselves. Plus, the more specific you are the more it narrows your pool of viable options, and the more likely it is that there is only one person who matches the description. And we all know there is no such thing as only one person who is right for us! ;)

7:04 PM  
Blogger michele said...

Hi Sara! I love to read your blog.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Eve said...

Sara! I'm telling you, you should totally meet my friend! Argggg. Sorry, but he is so cool. I just recorded soe songs at his house with his equipment and he is going to edit them and add some guitar. I think he probably hits everything on your list. He's single and makes his bed, I think that's awesome!

8:35 PM  
Blogger pkcrapo said...

I say ditch the list! Cookie cutter husbands don't exist. Sure certain standards need to be met, but does it really matter if he's not musical or into some form of art? Wish lists are good, but how many women end up with a man that fits their list? I'm definitely glad Peter didn't fit my list...I think I expected him to be (when I'd write lists) my best girl friend, guy friend, husband, mom/dad, etc...I have a best girl friend & a mom/ Peter can be just husband. So, for my own personal reasons I say ditch the list! :) Love you!

6:38 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home