Thursday, October 08, 2009

Emotion Explosion!

It's late, and I should be in bed. But I can't sleep. I had planned on writing a fun, carefree post tonight about ice cream, actually, but instead I remembered I had to finish some things up for work. That opened the floodgates for a range of emotions. I feel frustrated, angry, and sad. And for whatever reason, all I can think about writing is my take on love and my idea of what romance should be.

Let me back up.

I'm single, and the thing I want the very most in this world is to be a wife and a mother. I want to pack lunches in the morning, bake cookies for afternoon snacks, talk to my kids like they have worthwhile things to say, and chase those same kids around the house while laughing. I want to tell my husband I love him everyday, and I want to make sure my kids know that I do. I want to keep a clean house for my husband, make him feel needed, and do odd jobs or work from home to make the additional income it takes to go on small vacations or make Christmas extra-special. I cook. I bake. I'm mostly obsessively clean. I read. I think. I take out the trash. I ask interesting questions. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. I take care of my physical appearance. I'm not flashy or trendy or extremely fashionable, but I'm not "high-maintenance," and what a man sees is what he gets. I go to church and pray and help people when I can. I try to meet new people and make them feel comfortable and welcome, if they're new. I knit. I can sew a button onto something, and I can draw. I like to walk, hike, and be outside. I like to go to live sporting events and concerts, large or small. I like to listen to people talk about themselves and play musical instruments to their heart's content.

In short, I am a veritable picture-perfect wife- and mother-to-be. Scratch that, I am a model human being. Sure, I have problems and imperfections and faults, like any other person. All in all, though, I'm pretty good.

But I'm tired of people telling me I'm great. Friends, family, and acquaintances all say the same thing after they get to know me for a short while: "You're great, Sara." Guy friends say, "You're great. I just love you."

It reminds me of a joke Jerry Seinfeld used to tell about being the best man in a wedding party. "If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?" For me, that statement rings all too true. Now, I don't think that the natural consequence of greatness is getting married, nor do I think that a single life is meaningless. But like I said, I do want to get married and have children.

Here's the thing, though: I don't expect a one, true love. I don't want a man to say I've "bewitched [him], body and soul," as Mr. Darcy tells Elizabeth Bennett in the new Pride & Prejudice. (I think that is the stupidest line in the history of movies.) All I want is for someone to get to know me enough to say, "You're great, Sara. You're great, and I love you. And I want to be around you forever. There are other great people in this world, and I could choose one of them and life would be wonderful. But I want to be around you! I never want to not know where you are and what you're doing."

That's far more romantic than, "You've bewitched me" (i.e., You've tricked me into loving you). It's saying, "Not only do I think you're great; I think you're great, and I always want you to be in my life." Love is a choice, not a compulsion, and I want someone to choose me. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want other people to tell me I'm great, either. I know I am; it doesn't help anything. Tell possible suitors you think I'm great. Tell me what I need to work on to be better . . .

Thing I'm thankful for: yeast and dough that rises.


Blogger Saule Cogneur said...

I rather like your last paragraph. "You're great..." compliments can be patronizing. Were I the kind of guy who was friends with other guys, I'd totally hook you up.

I will say that "choosing" someone is not all it's cracked up to be. Relationships also need spark; that's what makes them fun. Otherwise they end up feeling like a business transaction. Now on your side, I suppose that's okay because you want to be in the business of marriage, but I personally would rather be alone.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Who says you can't have spark in a business transaction?

Besides, I think that in a lot of cases, spark can be created. I'm not saying that if I'm a good person, and somebody else is a good person, then we'd be a good match. There obviously has to be some sort of connection of personalities. Whether that's the spark you speak of, Mike, or the thing that begins the spark is perhaps one in the same.

Still, I do think that finding someone is not as magical as it looks on TV and in the movies.

9:57 AM  
Blogger bh said...

sara, i don't think your great. that's all.

jk. i think you are unique. really, a paradox. and i think it will take a special person to match that paradox in the right places.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Em T said...

Well, in the first three months of my acquaintance with David, if someone had told me I would marry him, I would have laughed them out of town. Notwithstanding, I think your own love story always feels magical.

And stays magical so long as you put yourself in the position to fall in love with the right kind of person and always try to find ways to serve them (you love those you serve...)

I always had a very business transaction way of going about it, too, Sara. And I don't think anyone would accuse David and I of missing a spark;)

12:36 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

I feel you, my dear. I don't need someone telling me how my eyes reflect the moonlight of his heart's desires and bla bla bla.

P.S. You're a catch... and so am I, darnit!

1:16 PM  
Blogger BingFonder said...

I laughed and laughed when Darcy said Elizabeth had "bewitched him, body and soul." Oh how funny that you quoted him.

I don't think you're great, Sara. I think you are fun, intelligent, bewitching with bakery, loving with kids, understanding, and kind. Basically, you're a taller version of me! HA

Like I've said before, boys have to be guided by women to make their choices. That is why women have to give ultimatums. Too many choices or paths confuses them.

If no man claims you it is because there is no man good enough for you. I love you, and I am not afraid to say it.

12:10 AM  
Blogger Eve said...

That's one of my favorite lines of the movie!! I've always been a little whimsical, and I was bewitched by Adam; all of the sudden, I fell in love with him and holding hands was magical. You may think that it's cliche, but maybe you should go on a mission? Best thing I ever did. Could be because my husband was married to his ex-wife and learning to appreciate a far better relationship with me in the future, or I needed to be companions with some really easy comps and some pretty challenging ones. Myriad of reasons, really. One of my companions met her husband on the mission- he was our district leader. Never know! ;P

6:50 AM  

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