What to Say to People When Things are Hard

Yesterday, we had a Sunday School lesson about mental health. I thought the lesson was pretty good, though I wished there was a licensed psychologist there who offered some general tips. Still, the bishop did an excellent job of opening up the topic and letting people know that mental health struggles are a normal part of life. One thing I particularly liked was his answer to the following question: "You talked about what not to do or say to people we know are struggling with mental health; what are some things we should do?" His answer? "Search Google for what to say to people struggling with mental health." It was brilliant, and here's why:

1. He introduced the congregation to the topic but expected people to actually do some work on their own to learn more.
2. He encouraged people to simply search for answers on Google the way they would search for any other answer online. What a great use for technology!

I have a friend whose parents both died within a couple years of each other; she was only in her 30s. I had no idea what to say to her, so I literally googled, "What should I say to someone whose parents have both died." There were some great ideas, and the best part about it was that I didn't put the onus on anyone else to let me know what I should say or how I should act around someone who was feeling low. I'm reminded of the following Latter-day Saint scripture in Doctrine and Covenants, section 58:

For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; for the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. (verses 26–28)

But since I'm on the topic and since I've experienced hard things, including depression, here are some ideas:

• "Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that; that really stinks."
• "You don't have to text back right now, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you."
• [When a loved one has died] "Tell me about him." "What were your favorite things about her?" "Do you have a special memory of him?" "What was your dad's [or whoever's] name?"
• "I know you've been going through some tough things lately. Do you want to talk about them, or do you want a distraction?"

Most importantly, I think a good rule of thumb is to simply treat people like they're human beings . . . because they are. When difficult things happen to people or you think their situation is pity-able, simply treat them as you would treat anyone else. They don't need to be coddled or chastised or shamed. They need you to treat them like they're a whole and beautiful person who happens to have some troubles. Here are some good conversation starters:

• "Tell me about yourself; what are your hobbies?"
• "What have you been reading lately?"
• "Have you been working on anything exciting these days? Tell me about it!"
• "What's been the highlight of your week?"

It's surprising how often people get tripped up over connections and basic human relationships, but I guess not everyone had a psychologist for a father or a chatty Cathy for a mother. This is why I'd be fully in support of "soft" skills classes in elementary, middle, and high school. I wonder whether they'll ever come a day . . .

Thing I'm thankful for: walks on sunny Winter days